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Temat: Joke thread:

Given MJ's untimely demise, all dates for his UK tour have been cancelled.

The families of Danny (6), Kyle (8) and Michael (9) have expressed their profound relief.craig bellamy edytował(a) ten post dnia 27.06.09 o godzinie 13:34
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Temat: Joke thread:

Jarek A.:
Farah Fawcett died and went to heaven. She met with god and he granted her one wish. She thought about it then asked god to make all the children down on earth safe... so god killed Michael Jackson.Jarek A. edytował(a) ten post dnia 27.06.09 o godzinie 09:47

hahahaha... fukn brilliant
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Temat: Joke thread:

What was Michael's definition of a perfect 10?

Two five year olds.craig bellamy edytował(a) ten post dnia 27.06.09 o godzinie 13:54
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Temat: Joke thread:

How did Michael pick his nose?

From a catalogue.
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Temat: Joke thread:

What's the difference between MJ and the MU manager?

Sir Alex can still play Giggs.
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Ilter K.

Ilter K. Business Developer,
Music Producer, AVID
Certified Instru...

Temat: Joke thread:

A young boy walked into the living room and saw his dad sitting on the couch drinking a beer.

The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a beer?”

The dad replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?”

The boy answered, “Well, no.”

“Then you can’t have one.” the dad said.

The next day, the boy walked into the living room again and saw his dad sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette.

The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a cigarette?”

The dad replied, “Can you touch your dick to your ass?”

Again, the boy answered, “Well, no. ”

“Then you can’t have a cigarette.” the dad said once again.

The next day the dad walked into the living room and saw , the boy sitting on the couch with a bag of cookies.

The dad asked, ” Son, can I have a cookie?”

The boy replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?”

“As a matter of fact,” the dad said, “Yes I can.”

The boy said, “Well you can go screw yourself but you can’t have my cookies!”
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Bernd Schreckenberg

Bernd Schreckenberg I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...

Temat: Joke thread:

Why do ants not go into church?

Because they are in-sects.

Muhahahaha :P
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Bernd Schreckenberg

Bernd Schreckenberg I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...

Temat: Joke thread:

An old man comes into the pharmacy and asks for viagra. The pharmacist hands him a pack and the old man rips it open, takes out a mirror, puts one pill onto it, slips out a credit card, hacks the pill into powder, rolls up a fifty Euro bill and snorts the viagra. The pharmacists looks in awe at the old man and says: "Sir, that is not how to do it. You have to swallow the pill."
The old man shakes his head, smiles at the pharmacist and answers: "You know, in my age it doesn't matter anymore. It all happens here, in my head."

:)
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Temat: Joke thread:

A few dafties:

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
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Tomasz S.

Tomasz S. GMT

Temat: Joke thread:

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. Give me all your money.

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"
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Tomasz S.

Tomasz S. GMT

Temat: Joke thread:

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
:D
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Tatiana Z.

Tatiana Z. CAO @ Kontomatik

Temat: Joke thread:

Thinking On Your Feet...

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?
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Tatiana Z.

Tatiana Z. CAO @ Kontomatik

Temat: Joke thread:

Beer President's Have a Beer...

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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Rafał Wołk

Rafał Wołk I'm not arrogant,
you're just offended
by my confidence.

Temat: Joke thread:

During the last supper, Jesus walks into the main room and finds it completely empty. After few minutes however he hears sounds of music and laughter coming from the outside.
He walks outside and finds himself surrounded by people dancing, shouting and drinking profusely. Surprised, to say the least, he approaches Peter and asks:
"Peter, what is the meaning of all of this? How did you manage to get money for this wonderful celebration?"

"I'm not really sure, big J" answers Peter "Apparently Judas sold something"...
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Temat: Joke thread:

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
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Bernd Schreckenberg

Bernd Schreckenberg I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...

Temat: Joke thread:

How do you call a person who can speak three languages?

Trilingual?

That´s right. Very good. And how do you call a person who speaks two languages?

Bilingual?

Again, that´s right. Nice. And how do you call a person who speaks only one language?

French.
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Temat: Joke thread:

Bonnie Tyler: Total eclipse of the heart - engineer's point of view;)


Obrazek
Mirek Połyniak edytował(a) ten post dnia 28.08.09 o godzinie 17:31
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Rafał D.

Rafał D. Head of Production,
Locon Sp. z o.o.

Temat: Joke thread:

Check out what's on second and third place for "nigger please" in urban dictionary.

2. nigger please 383 up, 248 down
How you ask something of a nigger.

Jack (to nigger):
Nigger please take out my garbage. Thanks.

nigger:
Sho' massa.

3. Nigger Please 222 up, 134 down
Nigger, Please! A phrase used occasionally by an affluent wealthy couple of 100 years (or so) ago wanting to purchase an african-american slave at the market.

Lady Catswold: "Oh Reginald, look at this one!"
Reginald: "Oh yes he's got such fine teeth! Very strapping too."
Lady Catswold: Reginald, w-we could breed him with Mammy!"
Reginald: "Oh yes, quite! Pardon me, good sir?"
Slave Wrangler Cletus: "Uh? What?"
Reginald: "Oh! Over here! Nigger Please."

:D
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Temat: Joke thread:

Rafał D.:
2. nigger please 383 up, 248 down
How you ask something of a nigger.

Jack (to nigger):
Nigger please take out my garbage. Thanks.

nigger:
Sho' massa.

Ok, I laughed way harder than I probably should have. Shame on me, but it absolutely cracked me up.

By the way, 'tis related:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jqfbLI1LLc&fmt=18

As for Urban Dictionary, I really dig the abstract humor of people frequenting the site. For example, the best take at deciphering Snoop Dogg that I've ever seen:
Urban Dictionary:
4. fo' shizzle my nizzle 875 up, 737 down
Originated in medival England in the 17th century, this phrase
has changed in meaning completely, from the orignal shorthand
denotation of "Alas! An advasary has come upon us! To the
catupults!" to the modern definition of "Please grease up my penis."
Old: Bartholomew, the dastardly barbains are attacking! Foe
Shizle mine nizle!
New: Bitch step up! Fo shizzle my nizzle!


Obrazek


Fuckin' ace! :D
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Rafał D.

Rafał D. Head of Production,
Locon Sp. z o.o.

Temat: Joke thread:

Haha that's too much!
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