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Arvind
Juneja
Współtwórca @
Fangol.pl | Blogger
@ Fitback.pl
Temat: Joke thread:
Jarek A.:undercover Joey? :)))If I'd said from Anglosphere's most handsome man, then you might have spoken.How YOU doin'? ;)
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Temat: Joke thread:
Arvind Juneja:Bingo!
Jarek A.:undercover Joey? :)))
How YOU doin'? ;)
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Temat: Joke thread:
Actually, Jarek, you're not my type - and totally opposite, in fact, but I was trying to suck up to Lidia :D
Lidia K. +
Temat: Joke thread:
Tatiana S.:Excuse me? Suck up for what?
Actually, Jarek, you're not my type - and totally opposite, in fact, but I was trying to suck up to Lidia :D
I don't read this thread, girl :)
I'm far too serious for jokes.
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Temat: Joke thread:
Tatiana S.:Err where did this come from? Totally uncalled for...
Actually, Jarek, you're not my type - and totally opposite, in fact, but I was trying to suck up to Lidia :D
Anywho, I take it you're not into handsome men.
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Temat: Joke thread:
Jarek, I never said you were NOT handsome - just not my type. ;)
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Temat: Joke thread:
Jarek you have the nicest looking ear lobes I have ever seen.
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Temat: Joke thread:
My earlobes are blushing atm.
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Temat: Joke thread:
Babcia autobusowa (sorry, Polish only I think)http://nonsensopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Rodzaje_bab%C4%87_...
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Temat: Joke thread:
ABC's of ex girlfriendsA
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
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Temat: Joke thread:
The Difference between Most Men and REAL MenReal Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.
Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.
Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Real Men..balance their checkbooks.
Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.
Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.
Real Men..start their own businesses.
Most Men..quit their jobs.
Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men..bring their own beer.
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Temat: Joke thread:
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee."How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
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Temat: Joke thread:
Southern Commandments1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass ya' mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
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Temat: Joke thread:
As Seen Through the Eyes of a RedneckThreats:
-- I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.
-- This'll jar your preserves.
-- Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!
Good Things/Compliments:
-- Cute as a sack full of puppies.
-- If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
-- Gooder than grits.
The Weather:
-- It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
-- It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
-- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot.
Descriptions:
-- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
-- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
-- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
-- He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.
-- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
-- She's uglier than homemade soap.
-- Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'
-- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
-- Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
-- The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead
-- Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
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Temat: Joke thread:
A Yankee's Translation of the Southern's VocabularyWe provide this translation of the Southern's vocabulary in an attempt to teach them Yankees how to talk rightly.
Ah - The things you see with.
Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig?
Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
Bawl - What water does.
Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.
Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.
Cheer - A piece of furniture used for sitting.
Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.
Co-Cola - Soft drink.
Crine - Weeping.
Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.
Daints - A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.
Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.
Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
Everthang - All-encompassing.
Far - A state of combustion that produces heat and light.
Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
Git - To acquire.
Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.
Gull - A young female.
Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.
Heidi - noun. Greeting
Hep - To aid or benefit.
Hire Yew
Idinit - "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
Keer - To be concerned.
Lieberry - A building containing thousands of literary works.
Moanin - Between daybreak and noon.
Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.
Munts - The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.
Nawth - Any part of the country outside of the South.
Nekkid - To be unclothed.
Ovair - In that direction.
Own - Instead of awf.
Phrasin - Very cold.
Pitcher - An image, either drawn or photographed.
Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.
Show - "It show is hot today."
Spearmint - Something scientist do.
Stow - Place where things are sold.
Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share.
Tar - Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.
Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.
Zackly - Precisely
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Temat: Joke thread:
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LADIES AND REAL WOMENLadies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant "fix-me-up.
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's
motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it
tastes."
==================================================
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but who cares?
==================================================
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with
your feet up, eating it anyway.
==================================================
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.
==================================================
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for
you.
==================================================
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
==================================================
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
==================================================
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
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Temat: Joke thread:
Computer Terms For RednecksBACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE: What your pit bull dun to cousin Jethro.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM: Where the pope lives.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear
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Temat: Joke thread:
Etiquette Tips For Southern FolksPERSONAL HYGIENE
--Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING
(Outside the Family)
--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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Temat: Joke thread:
Tatiana S.:You mean tha' lil' ole town down in Jawja?
Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
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