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Tatiana Z.

Tatiana Z. CAO @ Kontomatik

Temat: Joke thread:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which
tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints
submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that
has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
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Christian Kroczek

Christian Kroczek Tony Stark Sprzedaży
i Zarządzania
Relacjami z
Kluczowymi...

Temat: Joke thread:

..:
A Polish farmer goes dies and goes to heaven.

He is met by St Peter who tells him he will be granted anything he wishes, provided that his neighbour on earth receives double what he is granted.

The farmer tells St Peter, "strike out one of my eyes."

P.S. I heard this joke in the Czech Republic, and it was about a Czech farmer.

Does changing the nationality make the joke any more or less funny?

It won't work here in Ireland at all: What one has is his or her own business and good for them if they happen to have more than you.
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Christian Kroczek

Christian Kroczek Tony Stark Sprzedaży
i Zarządzania
Relacjami z
Kluczowymi...

Temat: Joke thread:

Tatianaa Z.:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which
tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints
submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that
has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

DEADLY :D :D :D
(LOL)
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Temat: Joke thread:

Christian Kroczek:
Tatianaa Z.:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet
:)


Obrazek
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Christian Kroczek

Christian Kroczek Tony Stark Sprzedaży
i Zarządzania
Relacjami z
Kluczowymi...

Temat: Joke thread:

Joj Y.:
Christian Kroczek:
Tatianaa Z.:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet
:)


Obrazek

Hahahahaha! Good one, mate!
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Temat: Joke thread:

<RetardedMonkey> How would you pronounce this child's name?
<RetardedMonkey> She spells her name..... "Le-a"
<RetardedMonkey> This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA..
<RetardedMonkey> Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
<RetardedMonkey> She says it's pronounced.................
<RetardedMonkey> "Ledasha"
<RetardedMonkey> When the Mother was asked how in the world did she figured it should be pronounced that way....... she said....
<RetardedMonkey> ..."cause the dash don't be silent!"
<RetardedMonkey> English language is gone forever
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Ilter K.

Ilter K. Business Developer,
Music Producer, AVID
Certified Instru...

Temat: Joke thread:

Excuse Letters
The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.


"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
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Bernd Schreckenberg

Bernd Schreckenberg I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...

Temat: Joke thread:

ilter K.:

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

Hahaha, some friends coming over for a gangbang in one word. Perfect :D
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Temat: Joke thread:

All the way from the Land Downunder:

A cop from the NSW Police was watching for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem: a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'.
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

.........

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in the Tamworth area with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.
The police responded with another mailed picture of handcuffs.

...........

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the NSW Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball."
He replied, "New South Wales Policemen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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Bernd Schreckenberg

Bernd Schreckenberg I am an experienced
teacher, with a
diverse background,
h...

Temat: Joke thread:

Jarek A.:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the NSW Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball."
He replied, "New South Wales Policemen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

lol

A real ballbreaker, innit? :D
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Tatiana Z.

Tatiana Z. CAO @ Kontomatik

Temat: Joke thread:

Why God never received tenure at any university...

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his
tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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Temat: Joke thread:

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that
a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed,
opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms,
she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it
off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...
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Temat: Joke thread:

A new Aldi supermarket opened Store in Middelton, Cork recently.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
__________________

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at

the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice

things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any

distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you?

Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of

course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in

her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began ooking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with

a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Temat: Joke thread:

Racist and politically incorrect:

Two indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka
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Temat: Joke thread:

(only works when read outloud)

How to tell the nationalities of guys in a brothel?

- the guy going in?... he's Russian.

- the guy in a room with a girl... he's Polish.

- the guy coming out... he's Finnish.
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Temat: Joke thread:

WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
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Temat: Joke thread:

A man won 100 million dollars in the lottery. He hurried home and he told his wife. She screamed and jumped up and down. He told her to pack up all her things. She was excited and she asked "where are we moving?" He said "I'm not. YOU are." :)Joj Y. edytował(a) ten post dnia 25.03.11 o godzinie 21:28
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Tatiana Z.

Tatiana Z. CAO @ Kontomatik

Temat: Joke thread:

Jarek A.:
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BxXVvx5hr0&feature=pla...
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Temat: Joke thread:


Obrazek
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Temat: Joke thread:

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150
just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had
just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
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