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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Witajcie,

W tym miejscu będę zamieszczał australijskie dowcipy przysyłane w emailach, jak również niektóre typowo australijskie ‘artefakty’ życia codziennego. Mam nadzieję, że przybliżą Wam one Australię jakiej nie znajdziecie w przewodnikach czy folderach biur turystycznych.

Jeśli macie jakieś swoje - koniecznie się dopiszcie!!!

Pozdrawiam i życzę miłej zabawy,
Jacek
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Na początek, dowcip z dzisiejszego maila.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.

KEEP SMILING! If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Kolejna porcja australijskiego humoru emailowego:

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious states" POOOFF!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge walls around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water".........
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Wyjęte z języka Aussie bloke'ów.

Here is some IT Australian terminology for you :)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
RAM: A technique used to get out of tight parking spots
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Na YouTube znalazłem składankę (Top 10) australijskich reklam piwa z ostatnich kilku lat. Niektóre są takie sobie, ale ta z PIERWSZEGO miejsca jest moim zdaniem absolutnie fantastyczna.

PS. Nie zapomnijcie włączyć głośników

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1nxxVe5pTsJacek Donda edytował(a) ten post dnia 07.04.09 o godzinie 10:07
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

A to z kolei reklama, powszechnie znanego w Australii, wielkiego popularyzatora jedzenia baraniny (która i bez tego jest bardzo popularna) – Sama Kekovich’a. Tego typu reklamy wypuszcza on od lat przy okazji wszystkich ważniejszych świąt, włączając to najważniejsze – Australia Day ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGZEBjzkZMg

Nie przejmujcie się jeśli mieliście problemy ze zrozumieniem tego co On mówi, to normalne na początku kontaktów z Aussie English.Jacek Donda edytował(a) ten post dnia 07.04.09 o godzinie 10:07
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Temat: Living in Oz

Witajcie

W temacie przelotow do Oz :))

---
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
---
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Temat: Living in Oz

Hahahahahaha :D

---
A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!
---
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Temat: Living in Oz

I ostatni wczorajszy od kolegow z pracy ;)

---
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"
---
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Dzięki Krzychu, nieźle się uśmiałem ;))))

Sam też dostałem ostatnio kilka dowcipów, ale niestety nie kwalifikują się one do opublikowania (ze względu na rasistowską wymowę).

Najbardziej jednak ubawił mnie wczoraj mój szef, który wysłał mi filmik zatytułowany „Don't let grandma make panckaes”, a który okazał się polską reklamą dombanku (z wibratorem). On oczywiście nie miał o tym pojęcia.
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

A oto najnowsza „wielka reklama” piwa Carlton Draught.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvIwsLty9Fo
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

UWAGA!!! A teraz czas na najsłynniejszą, najdroższą, najdłużej wyświetlaną i najbardziej kultową australijską reklamę. Pomysł, forma i muzyka mają ponad 10 lat, a jedyne co się zmienia to aktorzy, miejsca i czas trwania.

To jedna z pierwszych wersji z 1999 roku
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbGuqmaDgLA

A to jedna z ostatnich
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pS7oJNozQZM

PS. Znam takich, którzy chętnie zastąpiliby hymn australijski songiem z tej właśnie reklamy :)
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Temat: Living in Oz

Dobre Jacku!!

I jeden dobry kawalek w ramach polepszenia humoru tego popoludnia :)))

---
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them" :))))
---
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Temat: Living in Oz

;)

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!
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Temat: Living in Oz

Haha ten był dobry :-) Aż się prosi o polską wersję!
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Temat: Living in Oz

A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
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Konrad F.

Konrad F. Wiceprezes ds.
Rozwoju biznesu

Temat: Living in Oz

:D Dobre
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Temat: Living in Oz

If the Enterprise had voice recognition

All Star Trek fans know the voice-activated computer on the USS Enterprise, especially Jean-Luc Picard's famous "Earl Grey, hot" request for tea. But what if the Enterprise was equipped with voice-recognition software based on current technology?

PICARD: Computer.

COMPUTER: [chirp] Welcome to the USS Enterprise Voice Recognition System. If you know the extension of the person you'd like to call, please say it now. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For access to records and documents, please say "records." For entertainment options, please say "entertainment." For
information on ship systems and diagnostics, please say, diagnostics." For the replicator, please say "replicator." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "diagnostics." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "replicator." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: Thank you. Please state what you would like to replicate.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Whirled whey in a pot." Is that correct?

PICARD: What? No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Pearl day, shot." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl...Grey...hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Girl gay, hot." I'm sorry, but we cannot replicate human beings. If you wish female companionship, please visit our lounge, Ten-Forward.

PICARD: I didn't say "girl gay," blast you.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Look, I want a cup of Earl Grey tea. And make it hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Zero-four Blevin's rakes hook a font couple Curly May pee and naked hot." Is that correct?

PICARD: Oh, forget it. I'll just use a teapot.
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Liza T.

Liza T. CEO, IDI GLOBAL

Temat: Living in Oz

when Aussies travel to Europe they usually have ABC, which stands for Another Bloody Castle syndrome :DD

to od jednego Ozika jeden Kozik (czyli Kosciuszkowski Ozik) uslyszal,
pozdrawiam
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Jacek Donda

Jacek Donda Senior Risk Analyst,
Sydney

Temat: Living in Oz

Jesteście ciekawi jakie zwyczaje panują w Sydney, jakie są ciemne strony życia w Emerald City, a może chcecie się dowiedzieć co o Sydney myślą jego mieszkańcy i nie-mieszkańcy? Jeśli tak, to polecam Wam dwa niedawne artykuły z Sydney Morning Herald, popularnej lokalnej gazety codziennej.

Pierwszy, to dowcipne, momentami autoironiczne kompendium lokalnych zwyczajów i zachowań.

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/signs-that-youre-a-sydneysid...

Drugi, to zdecydowanie cięższy, przedwyborczy tekst, w którym znana lokalna dziennikarka w ostrych słowach kreśli czarny obraz umierającego miasta i jego sfrustrowanych mieszkańców. Autorka w swoim artykule porównała Sydney do Elizabeth Taylor i choć pisała go na tydzień przed śmiercią niezapomnianej gwiazdy Hollywood, można mieć tylko nadzieję, że nie są to słowa prorocze.

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/politics/sydney-is-a-sad...

Szczególnie polecam sondaż oraz komentarze Australijczyków nt. Sydney, zamieszczone pod artykułem.

PS. If you don't live in Sydney, you're camping out! - Paul Keating, former Australian Prime Minister.
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