Temat: znalezione na craiglist

Godzilla, my man, how's it hanging? Okay, okay, I know you are really angry and I really don't want to mess with a big (okay REALLY big) lizard that breathes fire and swims and flies and all that jazz so I'll just cut to the chase. You're pissed, (aren't you always?), in the states, and deciding on a deserving city to destroy, so I figured I'd make it easy for you (just cuz I'm nice), and I have the PERFECT place in mind.As long as you give me a few weeks to evacuate a few friends then you can eat, yes EAT (and stomp on, set on fire, play with etc) the whole thing. And trust me, once you get this out of your system you won't have to eat for YEARS! (But you may have a really bad stomach ache and possibly PTSD after you get done because this city is NASTY).Before you go on this binge-city-eating and I've had time to evacuate a few people you should watch the movie Cloverfield, as it will give you plenty of inspiration. But don't worry, what happened to your cousin/friend/fellow monster in that movie will NOT happen to you because this particular city, its officials and the national gov't in charge were once purposely unprepared for a terrorist attack (even when they had been warned), so I highly doubt they will do jack shit when you stop in.The police in this city will be busy frisking people and answering tourists' questions, and they are mostly uneducated minions from the outer "boroughs" they are called (we'll get to those later because they require certain precautions, the sliver of land called "Manhattan" will be fun to eat) so you won't have to worry about them. Most of our military is busy doing stuff in other countries and won't have the time to get to you. There is the nat'l guard, but trust me, you do not have to worry about those guys.When you get there, whatever you do, DON'T go to a place called the Port "Authority", don't even go inside. You will never find your way out (or anything for that matter). Just eat the damn thing.You will see a lot of Duane Reades. DON'T go in those. No one will be able to help you, and you will be in a line the rest of your life. Just eat it.You will run into what look like little yellow beetles to you (people call them "cabs" and "taxis"). STOMP ON THESE IMMEDIATELY. You will not be able to understand the drivers, the stench will be too much to endure for longer than a few seconds, and if you let them they WILL run into you, over you, etc.If you want to chill underground, don't be worried/frightened about the steel snake called the "subway") you see zig zagging around (but mostly stalled somewhere for 30 mins for "earlier incidences"). PICK THIS THING UP AND THROW IT INTO THE OCEAN IMMEDIATELY. Don't bother setting if on fire, stepping on it, or eating the people inside, because trust me if you eat some of the humans in there that taste will NOT leave your mouth. But if you want free entertainment, aka free entertainment, do this between the hours of midnight and 4 am, because that is when the cool shit goes down. You can see humans doing all sorts of stuff like urinating, masturbating (usually onto other humans), talking to imaginary friends, screaming, vomiting, falling on the tracks, being pushed onto the tracks, shooting, stabbing, fighting other humans, hanging from the poles, preaching, having "showtime" (but those guys are cool so at least tip them before you do your thing). Just don't rely on it because you won't get anywhere in time and you will have to endure the sob story (and stench) of a crackhead while you wait.You will see a LOT of garbage. You will eventually realize that the city is actually a big garbage dump itself (but do NOT try to convince the inhabitants of that because a majority of them truly believe that the smell, trash, greed, lies, and deviance around them is "glamorous" and "the greatest in the world" and that they have "made it" because they live there. (Yes, I know, truly delusional).If you need to stay in an apartment just to nap for a bit in Manhattan, (or anywhere in this city) you may be asked for a credit check, security deposit, first month's rent, last month's rent, 2nd year's rent, fingerprints, DNA sample, your first born child, etc. Do NOT fall for this. No sane person would pay anything to sleep in a rat infested, bed-bug infested, roach infested, ill maintained, over 75 year old closet that reminds you of the time you were in foster care and that is owned by a scumming scamming leaching Greek/Croatian/Chinese/Chasidic landlord that hasn't been in the country for 10 years yet owns an entire building and wants YOU to verify your social security number and credit before you can set foot inside. Just destroy the whole thing and don't look back. No one will miss paying 3,000$ a month in rent for their studio anyway (accept maybe the genus "Manhattanite" but don't waste your time with them because they are a dying species).If you want to leave cross between land from Manhattan to other places (which eventually you will because you can't stay there for too long without going completely batshit crazy) you will see many bridges. DON'T take these. (You won't anyways because you are fucking Godzilla and you can just snap the bridge in half). But if you do you will all the sudden be inundated with a series of "fees" and "tolls" for trying to get across it.Yes, this is a fact. You actually are charged for using the bridge and you will never be told where your money goes.Eat Staten Island, the Bronx, and Queens in that order. Those places don't have much "oomph" to them so you may not feel full just yet. If you absolutely have to, eat Brooklyn, because it actually has some flavor but is soon becoming rotten like the rest of the place. If you can, just push it out of the way and it will float along with Long Island (you aren't missing anything there) into the sea and leave you alone. But before you do make sure and check out Krispy's pizza on 13th avenue for a great slice.Once you are finished you will DEFINITELY want to take some kind of antacid because this place will give you indigestion, ulcers, colitis, and maybe even cancer if it stays in your system too long. Don't be concerned that other monsters told you you ate the greatest city in the world or that you were just mad because you couldn't "make it" there.Those monsters have never been anywhere else and actually buy into the idea that this is the only place you can "make it" and that the world revolves around this cesspool and pitiful excuse of a place to live. You know it is no longer what it was, or never was. That place was destroying itself from the inside out anyway and you did everyone a big favor and saved some time.